This prompt is so staggeringly awful in its brilliance that I simply don't know how to respond it. The genius of the first paragraph (asexual cupcake baker!) is only matched by the rest. It's just so wrong, and yet - non sex-shamed Babbington aside - I find myself actually wanting to read it. The bear skin! Jack's privilege! And the Aeneid (I bet people do quote bits of it OOC as fundamentally anti-imperialist and innately post-colonial).

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'Jack, for all love, will you stop asking dear Sophie for a threesome?'