The Return of Yuletide Hell

[nineveh_uk]

It’s that time of year again! The cards creep into the shops. Mince pies and whatever “Ecclefachan”* pies are start to appear on the shelves. Far, far away the attentive ear catches the sound of reindeer bells, and on a screen near you the first signs of Yuletide start to be seen. Which means that it is time for the return of How Will You Ruin Yuletide?

I first ruined Yuletide in 2009.

I did it in 2010 with a poll.

And again in 2011, on both LJ and DW.

In 2012 and 2013 I ruined Yuletide by not Ruining Yuletide. That is worst of all.

And now it is 2014, the nominations are in, the fandoms are being sorted, people are are having arguments about what should go in Yuletide letters, and whether saying you don’t want cannibalism in Flower Fairies fandom is kinkshaming.

So I have two choices. I could Ruin Yuletide by write a very long post about how to do everything right that is actually accurate and quite reasonable (except that it is 20,000 words long and starts a flamewar on yuletide_coal that spills over into civil war in Quebec), and then break the spirit of every rule in my own fic.

Or I could do a Yuletide Hell game post. I choose the latter.

The rules are simple: write in comments the Yuletide prompt that you would hate to get. Others are then invited to try and write a sentence of it.

Like every other facet of Yuletide, it is of course more complicated. To be true to the spirit of Yuletide Hell, there is no possible degree by which your prompt could be too entitled, self-contradictory, and generally batshit. While optional details are entirely optional I nonetheless expect that all prompters on this page will have many optional details that they will fully expect their writers to cover, and will also be dreadfully, mortally offended if writers do not merely cover the prompt, but fail to intuit what the requester wanted but forgot to write down.

Here are mine to start off with...

(1) Measure for Measure. Angelo/Isabella. Thanks so much for writing this for me, Yuletider! I know that you’ll do something true to the spirit of Shakespeare’s play! Though don’t do iambic pentameter unless you can really measure up to the standard set by Will as I find bad poetry triggering. Angelo and Isabella are my OTP, so it’s such a pity that Isabella’s internalised misogyny and Vienna’s slut-shaming culture make her unable to respond in a sex-positive way to Angelo’s proposal. I’d love some fix-it fic that has Angelo teaching Isabella to respect her identity as a sexual being. Also, it’s so stupid that Juliet and Claudio don’t practice responsible contraception. I know it’s 1603, but NFP was available then and they should have educated themselves more responsibly, so no babyfic. Bloodplay and BDSM are canonical, so don’t leave them out.

(2) 17 Moments of Spring. Stirlitz/Schellenberg. Omegaverse. I just think that the confluence of the last days of the Third Reich and A/B/O could lend a really fascinating dimension to the story. Obviously in order to respect the very serious setting of the canon complete historical accuracy is a must. It is particularly important that you get the uniforms right.**

(3) Lord Peter Wimsey. Bunter. Bunter isn’t actually in the list of characters, because I didn't nominate the fandoms I planned to request because the Spirit of Yuletide means other people should nominate them for me while I nominate for things I want to write experimentally but actually hate, so I selected Any, but that doesn’t matter, he is still the main one you should write about. I have a very, very specific story in mind, and if you don’t write about this then obviously you are going to ruin Yuletide forever and also possibly cause me to go on the rampage and destroy all Christmas trees within a hundred miles. I’d like a post-war story that has Bunter start by wanting to help Peter to overcome his shell-shock, but he gets to like Peter being dependent on him and when he realizes that Peter doesn’t remember what happens during his nightmares, starts to coerce him into acting as his sex slave. But Bunter’s got an enormous sex drive (and that’s not the only enormous thing, lol!) and wants more sex, so he tricks Peter into thinking that hypnotherapy will help him, so that he can force him to have sex whenever he wants. Please respect Bunter’s demisexual identity.

BTW, I know that the Wimsey canon can be intimidating for a first-time writer, but don’t worry. As long as you avoid the most egregrious Americanisms and make sure you say things like “settee” instead of sofa, couch, or Chesterfield, and stick closely to Strunk and White, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

*Some sort of cross between Lancashire and Wales?

**Note in 2015. The recipient was lucky enough to receive an absolutely masterful fic for this prompt, in which Stirlitz’s cover is blown when he screamed in Russian during childbirth.

Comments

[ankaret]

L. Ron Hubbard RPF. Any.

[perennialanna]

I know nothing of Yuletide, but Ecclefechan tarts are from the Scottish borders (and not particularly associated with Christmas).

[legionseagle]

Enquiring minds wish to know: do they go better with Auchentoshan?

[perennialanna]

One recipe I found used whisky in the pastry instead of water, but it was a Jamie Oliver one so I have grave doubts about its authenticity.

[legionseagle]

It also strikes me as being a criminal waste of whisky.

[oursin]

Rasselas/Imlac, Omegaverse with mpreg, in Johnsonian prose, I am very fussy about stylistic authenticity, a single word that is not authentic C18th and verifiable in Johnson's Dictionary will ruin Yuletide for me. (And Imlac is the alpha, right?)

[perennialanna]

That too. I can sort of see why people put whisky in marmalade (although I wish they wouldn't, I've never yet met a jam improved by alcohol), but whisky in a rich buttery pastry doesn't even go.

[legionseagle]

Slings and Arrows Darren Nichols, Richard Smith-Jones and Oliver Wells during the run of Macbeth. Please handle the witches in a sensitive, historically accurate, inter-faith manner which emphasises the positives. Try to link so-called "superstitions" to their origins in pagan practices in a positive and constructive spirit. No references to character death, please! Also, no camp.

[legionseagle]

I've always been sorry I never worked out what Mrs Gaskell meant in Cranford by talking about putting "brandy pepper" in jam.

[aella_irene]

Yes. Vodka in pastry is apparently because you can take the vodka out of the freezer, and it is freezing cold but still liquid which is useful if, like me, your hands are so warm you melt butter as soon as you try working it in, but whisky...

[nineveh_uk]

'Take me!’ cried the actor, groaning in his bonds as the religious prophet applied the electrodes to his urgent manhood. ‘Reveal yourself and help me to self-actualize my full potential!’

[nineveh_uk]

They are at supermarkets round here! But they look very nice - a cousin of Yorkshire curd tarts - and I am inclined to have a go.

Yuletide is an annual fic exchange (not Christmas themed) for small fandoms, or big fandoms that people manage to shoe-horn in. I've done it several times, but don't really have enough time for it at the right time, so don't any more. Inevitably as a large fandom thing, people manage to get wanky about it.

[ankaret]

But you didn't magically intuit that I wanted clamfic!

[quillori]

Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy - [fandom nominated without characters]

Optional Details - [left blank]

Sign up name - [unrelated to name used on other social media]

References on LJ/DW/Tumblr/etc when finally tracked down - [single reference to deeply held belief all 19th C Russian literature actually expresses esoteric Masonic philosophy, written in Kabbalist code]

[nineveh_uk]

How could you be so insensitive! Don't you know that when I see the word clam I have flash backs to a past life as a seagull with intestinal distress?

[nineveh_uk]

I think Delia Smith says you can just freeze the butter and grate it.

[antisoppist]

My grandmother told me I was "heavy-handed with pastry" when I was about 8. But as a grown-up I have learned to make it successfully by keeping my hands off it as much as possible and doing it in the food processor.

[nineveh_uk]

Thanks for such an awesome request! Imlac is totally the alpha! I'm sure that, like me, you think keeping fic IC is very important. As Wikipedia states There is little of incident, no love-making, with few endeavours to charm the fancy, and with but slight recognition of the claims of sentiment. So I'm sure that you're fine with this being non-con misery-fic in the extreme.

“As this has happened,” said Rasselas, “I can no longer enjoy life. I must be tortured to madness by the remembrance of such cruelty, or pine away in abhorrence of myself. I do not blame my friend, caught also in the wanton madness of that animal heat, but though he may now go free until the lust next strike him, the product of that knotting remains yet with me. My breast must swell with this sorrow until I be discharged of it, if I am not first discharged of mine own life. Oh woe is me, that I may not plunge my dagger into this great belly and make an end, but that I should destroy that innocent babe!”

[ellen_fremedon]

Vodka also lets you use more liquid, since more of it will evaporate during cooking, so you can be fairly heavy-handed and still get a light crust.

[oursin]

It's as if Dr J himself wrote it!

[moetushie]

The Charioteer - Mary Renault, Ralph Lanyon, Alec Deacon, Laurie Odell -- I know it's a teensy-weensy not allowed, but I would love it if you could include the character of Captain Jack Harkness, as well as the other nominated characters I've requested? Perhaps he gives a stirring eulogy at Bim Taylor's funeral. Or maybe he's Alec Deacon's previously completely unmentioned American friend. I think he and Ralph would get along very well, don't you?

If you can't write Jack, I'd rather you try the other canons, please.

20th Century RPF RPF, Any -- I hope this isn't too broad a category! But I'm fascinated by the the people who are fascinated by who prominent historical figures in the 20th century were boning.

Hamlet - COULD BE ANYONE REALLY , The Pirates, Gravedigger #1 and 2, Fortinbras -- No doubt I've made it obvious by my character choices, I'm an ardent Anti-Stratfordian. Please don't ruin my Yuletide by implying in any way that the vile Pretender, William Shakespeare, wrote the genius that is Hamlet.

[perennialanna]

That's for flaky pastry not shortcrust though (it works, and it makes the best pastry for sausage rolls or Cornish pasties).

[lilliburlero]

This is brilliant--but curse you! I was laughing so uncontrollably that I was obliged to explain to the other inmate of my living room 1) what Rasselas (is not) about 2) what A/B/O is 3) why Yuletide letters are hell, though thankfully not 4) what Yuletide is.

[antisoppist]

Fandom: Guardian newspaper columnists RPF
Mariella Frostrup and Captain Awkward combine to give joint marital advice to Lucy Mangan and the wife of that man in the band whose name I can't remember, oops, sorry! I know Captain Awkward is not a Guardian newspaper columnist and wasn't in the character list but that doesn't matter and by the way I don't like people writing fic about real people and I love these characters and don't want to upset them.

[sam-t.livejournal.com]

Gravedigger 1:
I am the very model of a handy Danish gravedigger,
I've arguments on death and life and if we really can be sure,
If men are guilty if they're drowned or whether it was accident
And whether if one hangs oneself a crowner knows it's really meant.

I puzzle other gravediggers with wit and merry ribaldry
But somehow I suspect that they pay no heed to philosophy
That Hamlet might appreciate my sagacity, my thus-and-so ---
Alas, he's too concerned with that attractive youth Horatio.

---

What? It's not by Shakespeare...