Show me a snake and an apple, and I’d be lost

[nineveh_uk]

bookwormsarah challenged me to write mpreg Wimseyfic.

Like Lieutenant Bromhead at the end of Zulu, “I feel sick – and ashamed,” but not enough of either to make me turn it down.


I’ve always thought that unlike every other victim of mpreg ever (with the exception of Captain Jack Harkness, who whatever his other reactions was possibly not surprised), Lord Peter Wimsey would have a realistic approach to things.

*

Bunter had not initially worried when his lordship complained in somewhat querulous tones that his trousers had become too tight. Since he had been fit enough to take up his old exercise routine (ju-jitsu, fencing, and the Egotists’ Club gym), Bunter had felt that his master would have looked better with a good half stone on him: despite the admirable figure, he remained too drawn about the eyes, too pale. He still had difficulty getting up early, having been on a couple of occasions when crawling out of bed before nine quite overcome with nausea, but Bunter put that down to continued adjustment. He was eating more and with his hair thick and fair skin bright, he was looking better than Bunter had seen him since early in the war.

For Wimsey’s part, he had been prepared to accede to Bunter’s comments upon his trousers, and as he had no compunction about not waking until eleven, the vomiting had not been much of a problem. The kicking, however, was really too much, and he felt the beginnings of a strain upon his bladder. This was not a situation that could best be dealt with by ignoring it.

‘Bunter!’

‘My lord?’

‘A situation has arisen.’

‘Indeed, my lord?’

‘A somewhat unusual situation.’

‘Is that so, my lord?’ The ghost of a puzzled frown passed over the man’s face.

‘I’m pregnant.’

The imperturbable mask of Jeeves can stand up to most circumstances. Bigamy, blackmail, unfortunate indiscretions with members of the lower ranks, and even shipwreck on tropical islands aroused not a flicker of perturbation in the face of the Ideal Manservant, but this was something else. Fortunately, as it could not possibly be true, Bunter met it with the stoicism with which he was accustomed to endure his master’s more painful episodes, and concealed the rush of pity in his breast.

‘I see, my lord.’

Wimsey looked at him. ‘You don’t seem very surprised,’ he said, before realization struck. ‘Ah. No, Bunter, this is not an unfortunate delusion, or even the phantom condition I believe rabbits, and indeed women, occasionally fall prey to. It’s started kicking.’ He seized the man’s hand and held it against his abdomen, and was gratified at the somewhat painful kick that fell on cue and consequent electric withdrawal of Bunter’s hand and simultaneous draining of blood from his face.

Ten minutes later, when Bunter was able to sit upright once again and drain a double brandy, Wimsey had finished dressing and took a seat himself.

‘You were not aware of this?’

‘I confess, my lord, that the possibility of such an explanation for your lordship’s recent condition had not occurred to me.’

‘You don’t think anyone else suspects?’

‘I believe that would be most unlikely, my lord.’

‘I’m glad to hear that at least.’

It was against all his principles, but Bunter was still feeling rather weak. ‘My lord, if I may be permitted… My lord, how?’

‘I’ve been pondering that one myself. My only conclusion is that it is the result of one of the more continental evenings of our recent European journey.’

‘Vienna, my lord?’ suggested Bunter, in tones that perfectly modulated understanding and a merest whiff of manly sympathy.

‘Vienna. They do say it’s the playground of the galaxy. One can only assume a more literal meaning than I had hitherto understood.’

‘Indeed, my lord.’ Bunter had never wholly approved of the more outré habits of minor European royalty.

‘The question is, what am I to do about it? I assume the performance of the obvious solution is not within your own repertoire?’

‘I regret to say that it is not, my lord. However, I believe a fellow member of the Junior Ganymede Club may be able to procure the necessary treatment. I need scarcely add his assurance of the utmost discretion.’

‘Thank God for that.’

Bunter’s contacts proved, as ever, effective and discreet. Lord Peter, convalescing for a couple of days at a pleasant hotel following the procedure conducted at a quiet clinic in Paris, was thoroughly relieved. The prospect of faking his own death or pretending to go on safari for six months was not one he had relished, quite aside from the mind-boggling physical logistics of the conclusion. He had endured a stiff talking-to on the importance of taking adequate precautions with the humility proper to his situation, and had promised never to put himself at such risk again. Separate enquiries revealed that a certain club in Vienna had since closed its doors.

‘I can’t say I haven’t learnt something from the experience, Bunter. I’ll have a damn sight more sympathy with women for a start.’

Bunter murmured something in reply that Wimsey did not quite catch and sensibly decided to parse as, ‘Quite, my lord.’

‘It’s a pity about the club – it was an interesting night in lots of ways. Mind expanding, you might say.’

‘Indeed, my lord. Your bath is ready, my lord.’

‘Right-ho. And Bunter, cancel that hotel reservation, will you? I think I’ll be sticking in London for the moment; I’ve had all the variety and spice of life I fancy for a while. There’s a lot to be said for the company of the old familiar faces.’

‘Very good, my lord.’

Wimsey chucked his dressing gown over the back of a chair and strolled off towards the bathroom, his belly enviably flat once more. Bunter watched him in the corner of a carefully adjusted mirror, and thanked his lucky stars that he had lost the toss that night.

Comments

[bookwormsarah.livejournal.com]

*boggles*
Oh my, I thought that this was the one of my three suggestions that you definitely wouldn't take up...

*is shocked and horrified and rather amused*

Thank you!

That was half the temptation

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

Never, ever as even in jest for what you do not want. And the other options were much harder ;-)

[aervir.livejournal.com]

Muwhahahaha.

There must be a special circle in hell for writers like you. Maybe Sayers mentions it in her translation of the Inferno.

I'm hellishly amused, though.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

As my sister put it, just above the one containing Russell T. Davies.

That was probably the canto that Sayers cut.

[mechaieh.livejournal.com]

‘Vienna. They do say it’s the playground of the galaxy. One can only assume a more literal meaning than I had hitherto understood.

*unholy amusement*

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

*polishes little red horns*

Am now contemplating re-writing as a Potter X-over. I need saving from myself.

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

*reels at the implications of several parts of this*

Very much in character, though, despite the odd circs. I particularly treasured Wimsey's stern talking-to, and Bunter's muttered aside.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I enjoy giving implications...

Wimsey's stern talking-to, and Bunter's muttered aside
I rather liked those, too. You know, of course, that a responsible sexual health care provider should always try to address the issues leading to the necessity of treatment in the first place, as well as dealing the immediate symptoms. As for Bunter, I have some ideas about what he might have said, but thought it best not to enquire to closely.

[themolesmother.livejournal.com]

*Snerk*

Oh, you are just evil!! I was having a rough day and this cheered me up no end. I wonder if poor Peter encountered the same alien "Trip" Tucker got it on with in ST-Enterprise?

‘I can’t say I haven’t learnt something from the experience, Bunter. I’ll have a damn sight more sympathy with women for a start.’

Watch it Peter! From there it's a short step to NCT classes and "come on darling, breathe!" - if they had them in those days, of course :-). Though knowing Harriet she probably just told him to get lost and let her get on with it.

MM

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

Oh, you are just evil!! I was having a rough day and this cheered me up no end. I wonder if poor Peter encountered the same alien "Trip" Tucker got it on with in ST-Enterprise?

I get the feeling that there was a lot more fun involved in Peter's MPreg than a bowl of those pebbles you use for flower arranging (and on the holodeck to boot) - but perhaps he was hobnobbing with a more adventurous type of alien?

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

Have just looked up this terrifying episode (I've never seen Enterprise). I suspect Peter had much, much more fun. What is it about mpreg stories that they always seem to involve "It's a mystic/magical/scientific lunatic conception, so abortion is impossible"? That worked in "The Midwich Cuckoos" because the whole thing was Evil Mind Control, but otherwise... Realism, please!

[dolorous-ett.livejournal.com]

I have a soft spot for that episode of Enterprise - not least because Tucker seemed up to that point to be in training to be the macho Riker-type - and also because he was one of the least culturally clued-in people on the Enterprise (no mean feat). And I'll give Connor Trineer this much - he does expressions of horror and disbelief remarkably well.

If I remember rightly, Tucker was all for "getting rid of" the result - it was the ship's doctor and the captain that wouldn't hear of it.

That said, without a doubt Peter had more fun. The idle rich generally do!

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

::polishes little horns:: Glad to have cheered up your day.

knowing Harriet she probably just told him to get lost and let her get on with it
Canonically, he spends the entire time of Baby 1 cleaning silver in the basement as displacement activity. I imagine Peter would be very useful attending the labour of someone he cared nothing about, and completely hopeless in the case of Harriet, when he would be in a corner gibbering "She's going to die and it's all my fault".

[themolesmother.livejournal.com]

he would be in a corner gibbering "She's going to die and it's all my fault".

My own experiences, and those of friends, lead me to believe that's a fairly typical husbandly reaction. My ex nearly fainted when told I was going to need an emergency c-section. Mind you, he recovered pretty damn quick when stern midwife told him if he dared to they'd simply kick him in a corner and get on with tending to the most important person in the room (yours truly) :-).

MM

[lyras.livejournal.com]

He had endured a stiff talking-to on the importance of taking adequate precautions with the humility proper to his situation

Bwah! Excellent stuff all round. *g* The dialogue sounds spot on for those two, and the ending is excellent.

[dbassassin.livejournal.com]

Well, it's nice to see Bunter finally lose it. Though I think it would take something this extreme to do it.

Bunter watched him in the corner of a carefully adjusted mirror, and thanked his lucky stars that he had lost the toss that night.

*snerk* Wonderful. You know, when I saw the header, my first thought was "does LP get Bunter up the duff, or the other way around?" I'm glad to see Bunter was entirely uninvolved; the thought's simply too creepy to contemplate.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to see Bunter was entirely uninvolved

I think there's a limit to how many challenges it's fair to inflict upon the reader in one go (though I would not actually be averse to Bunter/Peter if somebody wrote it well).

[dbassassin.livejournal.com]

I would not actually be averse to Bunter/Peter if somebody wrote it well

Neither would I. However, "wrote it well" by definition pretty much precludes mpreg, for me.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

"wrote it well" by definition pretty much precludes mpreg

There is that.

[antisoppist.livejournal.com]

Heee! If a little too close for comfort at the moment.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

Honestly, you think you know a little bit about a woman, and then you learn her husband is an alien.

Lord Peter extends his sympathy, and hopes you have found some nice clothes.

[ms-wanderlust.livejournal.com]

Excellent! Excellent! Excellent! Worrying...but excellent!

Icon snap

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I could ask no higher praise ;-)

Re: Icon snap

[ms-wanderlust.livejournal.com]

This is my default icon, but felt the occasion deserved something else :)

[tree_and_leaf]

I am slightly terrified at the places your imagination has taken you, but I'm sure that it would have been just like that.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I'm innured to my imagination by now. Nothing can ever be as bad as my middle school imaginary stories about being a Mary-Sue in Middle Earth and the one person who could teach Sauron the error of his ways. Thank goodness there was no internet in those days.

Otherwise, glad to convince!

[marginaliana]

Oh, oh my goodness!!! This is delightfully cracktastic. I love Bunter's stoicism and the way you offer an explanation without actually offering one, you know? Vienna! *cracks up*

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

I had an idea you might be amused by this one :-) And Bunter should count himself lucky.

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovely! The things crack_van gives for Christmas are truly wonderful.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

Glad that it amused!

[vissy.livejournal.com]

:D:D:D

(Had the pair of them actually brought forth the baby somehow, I could've added even more smilies!)

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

Had the pair of them actually brought forth the baby somehow, I could've added even more smilies!

Watch out for the Ultimate Wimsey/Potterverse crossover mpreg with actual baby some time in the new year!

[wren-chan.livejournal.com]

......wow. XD And yet it's so completely THEM. I love you to bits, have I mentioned this in the last three seconds? You're going to hear it a LOT MORE. XD