nineveh_uk | The Return of Yuletide Hell

It’s that time of year again! The cards creep into the shops. Mince pies and whatever “Ecclefachan”* pies are start to appear on the shelves. Far, far away the attentive ear catches the sound of reindeer bells, and on a screen near you the first signs of Yuletide start to be seen. Which means that it is time for the return of How Will You Ruin Yuletide?

I first ruined Yuletide in 2009.

I did it in 2010 with a poll.

And again in 2011, on both LJ and DW.

In 2012 and 2013 I ruined Yuletide by not Ruining Yuletide. That is worst of all.

And now it is 2014, the nominations are in, the fandoms are being sorted, people are are having arguments about what should go in Yuletide letters, and whether saying you don’t want cannibalism in Flower Fairies fandom is kinkshaming.

So I have two choices. I could Ruin Yuletide by write a very long post about how to do everything right that is actually accurate and quite reasonable (except that it is 20,000 words long and starts a flamewar on

yuletide_coal that spills over into civil war in Quebec), and then break the spirit of every rule in my own fic.

Or I could do a Yuletide Hell game post. I choose the latter.

The rules are simple: write in comments the Yuletide prompt that you would hate to get. Others are then invited to try and write a sentence of it.

Like every other facet of Yuletide, it is of course more complicated. To be true to the spirit of Yuletide Hell, there is no possible degree by which your prompt could be too entitled, self-contradictory, and generally batshit. While optional details are entirely optional I nonetheless expect that all prompters on this page will have many optional details that they will fully expect their writers to cover, and will also be dreadfully, mortally offended if writers do not merely cover the prompt, but fail to intuit what the requester wanted but forgot to write down.

Here are mine to start off with...

(1) Measure for Measure. Angelo/Isabella. Thanks so much for writing this for me, Yuletider! I know that you’ll do something true to the spirit of Shakespeare’s play! Though don’t do iambic pentameter unless you can really measure up to the standard set by Will as I find bad poetry triggering. Angelo and Isabella are my OTP, so it’s such a pity that Isabella’s internalised misogyny and Vienna’s slut-shaming culture make her unable to respond in a sex-positive way to Angelo’s proposal. I’d love some fix-it fic that has Angelo teaching Isabella to respect her identity as a sexual being. Also, it’s so stupid that Juliet and Claudio don’t practice responsible contraception. I know it’s 1603, but NFP was available then and they should have educated themselves more responsibly, so no babyfic. Bloodplay and BDSM are canonical, so don’t leave them out.

(2) 17 Moments of Spring. Stirlitz/Schellenberg. Omegaverse. I just think that the confluence of the last days of the Third Reich and A/B/O could lend a really fascinating dimension to the story. Obviously in order to respect the very serious setting of the canon complete historical accuracy is a must. It is particularly important that you get the uniforms right.**

(3) Lord Peter Wimsey. Bunter. Bunter isn’t actually in the list of characters, because I didn't nominate the fandoms I planned to request because the Spirit of Yuletide means other people should nominate them for me while I nominate for things I want to write experimentally but actually hate, so I selected Any, but that doesn’t matter, he is still the main one you should write about. I have a very, very specific story in mind, and if you don’t write about this then obviously you are going to ruin Yuletide forever and also possibly cause me to go on the rampage and destroy all Christmas trees within a hundred miles. I’d like a post-war story that has Bunter start by wanting to help Peter to overcome his shell-shock, but he gets to like Peter being dependent on him and when he realizes that Peter doesn’t remember what happens during his nightmares, starts to coerce him into acting as his sex slave. But Bunter’s got an enormous sex drive (and that’s not the only enormous thing, lol!) and wants more sex, so he tricks Peter into thinking that hypnotherapy will help him, so that he can force him to have sex whenever he wants. Please respect Bunter’s demisexual identity.

BTW, I know that the Wimsey canon can be intimidating for a first-time writer, but don’t worry. As long as you avoid the most egregrious Americanisms and make sure you say things like “settee” instead of sofa, couch, or Chesterfield, and stick closely to Strunk and White, I’m sure you’ll be fine.

*Some sort of cross between Lancashire and Wales?

**Note in 2015. The recipient was lucky enough to receive an absolutely masterful fic for this prompt, in which Stirlitz’s cover is blown when he screamed in Russian during childbirth.

Crossposts: http://nineveh-uk.livejournal.com/324003.html

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

ankaret

L. Ron Hubbard RPF. Any.

From:

nineveh_uk

'Take me!’ cried the actor, groaning in his bonds as the religious prophet applied the electrodes to his urgent manhood. ‘Reveal yourself and help me to self-actualize my full potential!’

From:

ankaret

But you didn't magically intuit that I wanted clamfic!

From:

nineveh_uk

How could you be so insensitive! Don't you know that when I see the word clam I have flash backs to a past life as a seagull with intestinal distress?

From:

perennialanna

I know nothing of Yuletide, but Ecclefechan tarts are from the Scottish borders (and not particularly associated with Christmas).

From:

legionseagle

Enquiring minds wish to know: do they go better with Auchentoshan?

From:

perennialanna

One recipe I found used whisky in the pastry instead of water, but it was a Jamie Oliver one so I have grave doubts about its authenticity.

From:

legionseagle

It also strikes me as being a criminal waste of whisky.

From:

perennialanna

That too. I can sort of see why people put whisky in marmalade (although I wish they wouldn't, I've never yet met a jam improved by alcohol), but whisky in a rich buttery pastry doesn't even go.

From:

legionseagle

I've always been sorry I never worked out what Mrs Gaskell meant in Cranford by talking about putting "brandy pepper" in jam.

From:

aella_irene

Yes. Vodka in pastry is apparently because you can take the vodka out of the freezer, and it is freezing cold but still liquid which is useful if, like me, your hands are so warm you melt butter as soon as you try working it in, but whisky...

From:

nineveh_uk

I think Delia Smith says you can just freeze the butter and grate it.

From:

perennialanna

That's for flaky pastry not shortcrust though (it works, and it makes the best pastry for sausage rolls or Cornish pasties).

From:

nineveh_uk

Ah! I have to admit that I have made flaky pastry in the past, and in the future will stick to the pre-made stuff ;-)

From:

antisoppist

My grandmother told me I was "heavy-handed with pastry" when I was about 8. But as a grown-up I have learned to make it successfully by keeping my hands off it as much as possible and doing it in the food processor.

From:

ellen_fremedon

Vodka also lets you use more liquid, since more of it will evaporate during cooking, so you can be fairly heavy-handed and still get a light crust.

From:

clanwilliam

There is always the cooking whiskey. Years ago, I bagged a bottle of cheap blend from a hamper sent to our food industry correspondent; she expressed surprise and I explained that trying to decide which single malt went into the lemon and ginger cold cure was annoying and that this would do fine.

From:

nineveh_uk

They are at supermarkets round here! But they look very nice - a cousin of Yorkshire curd tarts - and I am inclined to have a go.

Yuletide is an annual fic exchange (not Christmas themed) for small fandoms, or big fandoms that people manage to shoe-horn in. I've done it several times, but don't really have enough time for it at the right time, so don't any more. Inevitably as a large fandom thing, people manage to get wanky about it.

From:

oursin

Rasselas/Imlac, Omegaverse with mpreg, in Johnsonian prose, I am very fussy about stylistic authenticity, a single word that is not authentic C18th and verifiable in Johnson's Dictionary will ruin Yuletide for me. (And Imlac is the alpha, right?)

From:

nineveh_uk

Thanks for such an awesome request! Imlac is totally the alpha! I'm sure that, like me, you think keeping fic IC is very important. As Wikipedia states There is little of incident, no love-making, with few endeavours to charm the fancy, and with but slight recognition of the claims of sentiment. So I'm sure that you're fine with this being non-con misery-fic in the extreme.

“As this has happened,” said Rasselas, “I can no longer enjoy life. I must be tortured to madness by the remembrance of such cruelty, or pine away in abhorrence of myself. I do not blame my friend, caught also in the wanton madness of that animal heat, but though he may now go free until the lust next strike him, the product of that knotting remains yet with me. My breast must swell with this sorrow until I be discharged of it, if I am not first discharged of mine own life. Oh woe is me, that I may not plunge my dagger into this great belly and make an end, but that I should destroy that innocent babe!”

Edited Date: 2014-10-07 03:30 pm (UTC)

From:

oursin

It's as if Dr J himself wrote it!

From:

lilliburlero

This is brilliant--but curse you! I was laughing so uncontrollably that I was obliged to explain to the other inmate of my living room 1) what Rasselas (is not) about 2) what A/B/O is 3) why Yuletide letters are hell, though thankfully not 4) what Yuletide is.

From:

nineveh_uk

I apologise for any social embarrassment occasioned by this fic.

From:

antisoppist

My living room is frequently filled with pre-teen children watching Wolfblood. I don't think Children's BBC is aware of the omegaverse but whenever an angsty sixthform werewolf in hiding says "I am the alpha" and their eyes turn yellow, I say "are you sure I'm supposed to be letting you watch this?" and they all look at me innocently and say "why?" and I say "oh, no, nothing, carry on."

From:

clanwilliam

I regularly deal with phrases such as "seeking alpha". Sometimes they're positive about beta, sometimes they're negative. The one that was really difficult was when I was editing about a fund that had omega in its name. It's really difficult to hide your laughing at work under those circumstances, particularly as there is no way in hell you're going to explain that to other people.

Possibly even a knotty problem.

From:

legionseagle

Slings and Arrows Darren Nichols, Richard Smith-Jones and Oliver Wells during the run of Macbeth. Please handle the witches in a sensitive, historically accurate, inter-faith manner which emphasises the positives. Try to link so-called "superstitions" to their origins in pagan practices in a positive and constructive spirit. No references to character death, please! Also, no camp.

From:

nineveh_uk

Of course I will handle the witches in a sensitive spirit! Frankly, I'm a bit uncomfortable that your letter implies I wouldn't be respectful, but I understand that you come from a place of pain so I'll let it go. Fortuntately I have this amazing book about the beliefs of the witches in Macbeth and how Scottish witches worshipped potatoes. I am trying to publish an academic paper on how "Out, out, damn spot!" reflects the unfairly demonised Lady Macbeth's attempts to cure the potato blight brought to the area by the patriarchal Duncan.

I dislike fanfic representation of camping because it culturally appropriates the traditions of nomadic peoples like the Poles, so you needn't worry about my including that. Besides, I want to leave room for those awesome men in make-up!

From:

legionseagle

I don't want to start wank, but are you sure you're right about Scottish witches and potatoes? My understanding is that this may be a later cultural appropriation of specifically Irish practices, and that particularly from people who are descendants from the witches who perished in the mass burnings known as the crisping of Wexford it's highly triggering to make that suggestion.

From:

clanwilliam

Thank you for triggering me. Also, it wasn't just Wexford , you have callously ignored the crispings in Louth and Tipperary, which constantly suffer from this erasure.

Also, I'm on a low-carb diet at the moment, so double triggers.

From:

quillori

Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy - [fandom nominated without characters]

Optional Details - [left blank]

Sign up name - [unrelated to name used on other social media]

References on LJ/DW/Tumblr/etc when finally tracked down - [single reference to deeply held belief all 19th C Russian literature actually expresses esoteric Masonic philosophy, written in Kabbalist code]

From:

nineveh_uk

AARGH! I think that you might have won.

Ed. Although on reflection I'm not so sure. Maybe there's a fellow Masonic philosophy and Kabbalist Russian literature lover out there. Your fic-writer produces some sort of brilliant piece of classic W&P het. You hate it. There is massive wank. It is famed throughout social media. The other person hears about it and flies to your aid to defend and commiserate. Back to back you hack at the despoilers of the Truth. You meet to plot revenge. You stare into one another's eyes. You fall in love. You spend your honeymoon and every subsequent holiday trawling archives in search of the Truth. At least at 90 you track down a letter. But your health is fading. Will you make it - no. Your son goes afterwards and reads the text, "Dear Fyodor Mikhailovich, Great idea about working in that Masonic shit. It'll really give the critics something to think about!"

Edited Date: 2014-10-07 08:45 pm (UTC)

From:

antisoppist

That one is just so horrendously mind-numbingly awful.

From:

moetushie

The Charioteer - Mary Renault, Ralph Lanyon, Alec Deacon, Laurie Odell -- I know it's a teensy-weensy not allowed, but I would love it if you could include the character of Captain Jack Harkness, as well as the other nominated characters I've requested? Perhaps he gives a stirring eulogy at Bim Taylor's funeral. Or maybe he's Alec Deacon's previously completely unmentioned American friend. I think he and Ralph would get along very well, don't you?

If you can't write Jack, I'd rather you try the other canons, please.

20th Century RPF RPF, Any -- I hope this isn't too broad a category! But I'm fascinated by the the people who are fascinated by who prominent historical figures in the 20th century were boning.

Hamlet - COULD BE ANYONE REALLY , The Pirates, Gravedigger #1 and 2, Fortinbras -- No doubt I've made it obvious by my character choices, I'm an ardent Anti-Stratfordian. Please don't ruin my Yuletide by implying in any way that the vile Pretender, William Shakespeare, wrote the genius that is Hamlet.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Gravedigger 1:
I am the very model of a handy Danish gravedigger,
I've arguments on death and life and if we really can be sure,
If men are guilty if they're drowned or whether it was accident
And whether if one hangs oneself a crowner knows it's really meant.

I puzzle other gravediggers with wit and merry ribaldry
But somehow I suspect that they pay no heed to philosophy
That Hamlet might appreciate my sagacity, my thus-and-so ---
Alas, he's too concerned with that attractive youth Horatio.

---

What? It's not by Shakespeare...

From:

moetushie

HDU, Hamlet/Horatio is my NOTP. Hamlet/Laetres 4evah.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Shame on you for making assumptions! It's Gravedigger/Horatio after twenty-seven verses.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Bother, just realised an extra syllable sneaked in when I wasn't looking. That's what I get for rhyming when I should be doing something else...

From:

moetushie

(I'm very impressed with your impromptu rhyming skills!)

From:

nineveh_uk

Genius! Though I am a bit concerned that the gravediggers are not carrying out proper health and safety practices.

From:

nineveh_uk

I'm not your writer, but I am so excited at this prompt! Jack Harkness meeting Ralph would be amazing! Jack would teach Ralph to get over his internalised homophobia and classism and to respect his partners and his own sexuality, and they could have so many sexytiems together. OMG maybe its Ralph who gets Jack pregnant.

From:

moetushie

Yes! A thousand times yes! A mpreg epic is just what the Renault fandom needs and deserves. THANK YOU.

Edited (iPad hates me) Date: 2014-10-07 09:50 pm (UTC)

From:

nineveh_uk

I am your writer, but I don't know any 20th Century RPF-ers so I'm going to write you Hugh Trevor-Roper/Eric Hobsbawn PWP time-travelo.

From:

moetushie

Having just freshly Googled both of them, I say go for it. The horn-rims alone are intensely erotic.

From:

antisoppist

Fandom: Guardian newspaper columnists RPF
Mariella Frostrup and Captain Awkward combine to give joint marital advice to Lucy Mangan and the wife of that man in the band whose name I can't remember, oops, sorry! I know Captain Awkward is not a Guardian newspaper columnist and wasn't in the character list but that doesn't matter and by the way I don't like people writing fic about real people and I love these characters and don't want to upset them.

From:

serriadh

Hi, letter writer! I don't know who some of these people are, so I've just missed them out!! (I should probably have checked who the characters on this would be before signing up to write - but I thought it would be all David Mitchell/Charlie Brooker/Giles Fraser threesome requests).

Dear 'My friends and family think my husband is a horrid Tory',
I did a quick google and I see that 'Tory' is what we call a 'Republican'. It's true that political differences can be a problem in relationships, which is why I try to include it in conversation during the first two minutes of meeting a potential date.
However, your problem sounds like it's not so much that your husband is a horrid Tory, but that your family and friends disagree with him. Friends get to have an opinion on this, but they should process away from you. Here are some scripts you can use:

You: Hey, chief [or $friendname]. I might be wrong but I think we've already talked this to death already. This makes me feel bored of your repetitive conversation. One thing we could do is stop talking about this. How does that sound to you?
Them: blah blah blah something you don't need to listen to
You: I take that on board, but we can't talk about this anymore. Is that something you can do?
Them: blah blah but he'll force your child to go to Eton and be a capitalist prig.
You: Since you won't acquiesce to my simple request, I'm afraid I'll have to find a completely new set of friends. No hard feelings! Boundaries!
Deliver african violets to the whole group as necessary.

With your mother, I suggest you just put the phone down on her whenever she mentions it, and walk out the house if you're visiting and she brings it up. She'll either respect your boundaries or... you won't have to deal with her saying these things. I don't want commenters weighing in with diagnoses over the internet, but you might find My Mother Has Narcissistic Personality Disorder a useful book for you.

From:

nineveh_uk

Genius! Especially the final paragraph. And the Cabin Pressure reference.

First Commentator: This letter is waving red flags to me, I think your family are abusive.

Second Commentator: This letter is waving red flags to me, I think your husband is abusive.

From:

serriadh

Third Commentator: I went through a very similar situation but solved it by BEING AWESOME and now I have an AWESOME LIFE.

From:

clanwilliam

I had to take a break at work so that I could laugh my head off at this. It started with the Mitchell/Brooker/Fraser pairing and by the end...

Although Lucy Mangan would kill the African violets before she managed to deliver them.

From:

antisoppist

This is brilliant. I also started laughing at the poor recipient expecting threesome requests and then couldn't stop.

CA: Does your mother not realise that your father's spending all the time in his shed constitutes emotional abuse and that her insistence on counting towels in the airing cupboard is a coping mechanism?

From:

tree_and_leaf

would be all David Mitchell/Charlie Brooker/Giles Fraser threesome requests

*feels sick*

From:

nineveh_uk

There is no possible way I could respond to this that would beat

serriadh's comment!

The 'by the way' bit is a thing of beauty, although possibly the only way that Gwyneth Paltrow makes sense is if she is a fictional character.

From:

antisoppist

Well the other option was "naturally with reference to the dichotomies of the cross-cultural feminist dialectic with regard to the inevitable annihilation of the self inherent in post-modern inter-gender discourse in the context of oppressive hegemonic masculinity"

(I have been translating choreography theory again)

From:

taelle

17 Moments of Spring. Stirlitz/Schellenberg. Omegaverse.

Congratulations, you've ruined not only Yuletide but my brain.

From:

nineveh_uk

I am so proud ;-)

From:

serriadh

Antonia Forest's Marlowverse/My Little Pony:Friendship is magic
I really love the olde worldy pony things they do at Trennels, so I'd love to see it combined with MLP. I'm a keen rider, so accuracy in that is really important - you might need to find a horse-picker if you don't know much about it all. I think it might be really cool if they were doing a sort of Gondal with their MLPs and then it turned real and they went into the MLP-verse. I haven't specified characters but my favourite is Patrick so please don't write him as arrogant or opinionated!! I am triggered by OOC writing after a bad incident in my teens where someone said Fred and George were bullies. I also really hate animal cruelty so no hunting!!

I know the canon is hard to get hold of so don't worry if you haven't seen all the series of MLP.

Edited Date: 2014-10-07 06:44 pm (UTC)

From:

nineveh_uk

I agree entirely with your on Patrick. He is so sensitive and delicate - OMG! the crying!!!! - and no-one ever considers his feelings, I think it's awful how oppressed he is.

I know the canon is hard to get hold of so don't worry if you haven't seen all the series of MLP.

Magic!

Horrific as this idea is, part of me would pay good money to see Patrick Merrick confronted with MLP.

Edited Date: 2014-10-08 09:31 pm (UTC)

From:

clanwilliam

I have to say, I want to read this too.

From:

antisoppist

I'm sure if Mrs Marlow had been able to buy herself and Ginty pink sparkly ponies, she would have done. And Ginty could have gazed into its big eyes and stroked its mane while it flashed its long eyelashes at her adoringly and it would have saved a whole lot of bother.

From:

fallingtowers

Aubrey-Maturin, modern coffeeshop AU. – Sophie is an asexual cupcake baker; Diana is her awesome bisexual polyamorous cross-dressing cousin, who’s a barista by day and a glamorous fashion blogger by night. There’s this couple of clueless customers who keep showing up in their fancy beach town coffeeshop and keep hitting on them.

Obviously, Stephen is a non-neurotypical nerd and animal rights activist, and Jack is his fratboy friend. Somebody should totally unpack Jack’s privilege as a cishet white guy with a rich father and a military career. But things get so much better when he finally owns up to being into furry kink, and Stephen starts leading him round by a collar while wearing a bear suit.

Babbington should show up too, he’s such a trashy little man slut! LOL. But he shouldn’t be sex-shamed and get STDs for his promiscuity as he does in canon. And NO UNDERAGE!!!!

Please include references to 18th century natural history as well, just without any speciesism. And you’d really, really make my Yuletide for accurately quoting the Aeneid in there (only in Latin), but just if you read it as a fundamentally anti-imperialist, innately post-colonial text.

PS. Movie canon ONLY.

Edited Date: 2014-10-07 07:05 pm (UTC)

From:

nineveh_uk

This prompt is so staggeringly awful in its brilliance that I simply don't know how to respond it. The genius of the first paragraph (asexual cupcake baker!) is only matched by the rest. It's just so wrong, and yet - non sex-shamed Babbington aside - I find myself actually wanting to read it. The bear skin! Jack's privilege! And the Aeneid (I bet people do quote bits of it OOC as fundamentally anti-imperialist and innately post-colonial).

***

'Jack, for all love, will you stop asking dear Sophie for a threesome?'

From:

el_staplador

Biggles series – W. E. Johns (Ginger Hebblethwaite)

I’m convinced that Ginger is a Weasley. How does he get on at Hogwarts? No need to include Biggles or Algy.

Just William series – Richmal Crompton (Ginger Merridew)

I’m convinced that Ginger is a Weasley. How does he get on at Hogwarts? No need to include William, Douglas or Henry.

1950s Actor RPF (Ginger Rogers)

I’m convinced that Ginger is a Weasley. How does she get on at Hogwarts? No need to include Fred. (Fred Astaire, I mean! Obviously include Fred Weasley!)

From:

moetushie

Hi, I was looking to write you a treat, but I think it is impossible. To say Ginger Rogers might be a Weasley is clearly ginger-erasure. Please educate yourself!

From:

legionseagle

Also, there's a problem that Ginger Rogers is a Republican (or Tory, as they call them in Britain). Is it appropriate to bring politics into a children's book like Harry Potter?

From:

el_staplador

*starts thread on _coal about how meeeeeeaaaannnn people are being about poor

el_staplador's requests*

*anonfails*

From:

nineveh_uk

*Backs away slowly from the Weasley fetish* Though part of me thinks that these all really need to be written. Especially the Biggles one.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

(3)

As you may be aware, large areas of Scotland are suffering from a lack of woodland diversity as a result of commercial conifer plantations, so it would be environmentally irresponsible of me not to pass up the opportunity for a low-carbon ground-clearance operation. As such, I will not be able to follow your prompt in full. However, as it's Christmas, I have kept Bunter, the shell-shock and the settee.

His Lordship had recently expressed an interest in the cuisine of the Indian subcontinent, and as, in Mr Bunter's opinion, any interest, however slight, should be nurtured as being beneficial to his Lordship's delicate mental state, Bunter had undertaken to transform the delivery of a note to an elderly Anglo-Indian civil servant (retired) into an invitation to spend an afternoon aiding his manservant Mr. Chatterjee in the preparation of various pickles and chutneys.

The brass ornaments on the hall table next to the elephant's-foot umbrella stand were quite outside Mr Bunter's experience and not entirely to his taste but he observed with approval that they all showed signs of conscientious polishing. At the appearance of a dark-skinned figure from the direction of the kitchen, Bunter rose from the mauve-draped rosewood settee upon which he had been desired to wait and followed his guide into a cloud of intriguingly fragrant steam.

From:

nineveh_uk

Will no-one think of the pine martens??????

I love the idea of Bunter learning Indian cooking in order to tempt his lordships's jaded palate. Will lessons in Mysterious Eastern Hypnotism follow? Or perhaps this is where he picked up his curious knowledge about the unshaven beards of Muslim men?

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Well, it's mainly that I wanted somewhere where the article of furniture in question would fairly probably be a settee but would also be somewhere Bunter or a shell-shocked Lord Peter would have an excuse to appear.

I didn't think about the beards! Sadly, I think Mr. Chatterjee is unlikely to be a Muslim, although to be honest, it's probably not that likely a surname for someone currently acting as a manservant, seeing as I chose it from 'Indian names I think I've come across in pre-WWII detective fiction' rather than 'Indian names with a history likely to suggest a likely backstory'. Feel free to ~~do my work for me~~ invent unlikely backstory...

From:

antisoppist

I was wondering if you had a A Passage to India crossover in mind and was pondering the effect of the appearance of Bunter in the Marabar Caves.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Goodness. Um, yes, that would indeed be interesting!

It wasn't what I had in mind, but if anyone wants to take it on, I'd be interested in seeing what happens. *Looses plotbunny with hopeful expression*

From:

nineveh_uk

The plot would definitely be different.

From:

lilliburlero

David Blaize/Violet Grey/her fiancé love triangle. I'd love a bakery AU! No cousincest, please, that really squicks me. I find cricket really boring: please don't include extended descriptions of cricket matches! No piffle: I just can't stand it when people use that word (pet peeve ha ha).

From:

nineveh_uk

I can't remember who Violet Grey is and anyway I wouldn't writer her because that's homophobic erasure of Maddox so I'm going to write about him instead. I'm sure you'll agree that's what you ought to have asked for. As a passionate cricket fan, I find your dismissal of it distressing. For a while I thought that you didn't deserve the brilliant cricket scene I was going to write but then I realised that that was silly, and Yuletide stories are really gifts to the whole fandom aren't they, so I included it anyway. If you don't know much about cricket maybe you should educate yourself. Obviously its going to be a Peter Wimsey crossover.

From:

lilliburlero

You have RUINED the season of cake and sweets for me by not taking up my bakery AU prompt.

From:

azdak.livejournal.com

It is particularly important that you get the uniforms right.

Right with respect to canon, obviously, rather than historically accurate. I mean, who wants to imagine one member (hee!) of the SS being rogered by another while wearing a grey uniform*, talk about squicky!

*Although if it resulted in Stirlitz screaming out in Russian while giving birth, I might just be able to endure the trauma.

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

I feel sure that whether you choose canon or history, you can be sure that I wanted the other one and that therefore you have RUINED YULETIDE for me with your squicky fail. Though I might forgive you if you caught the Semenyov voice well enough.

I was about to say that there is no way on earth I am ever writing that fic, except that is folly. This is fanfic, there can be no never.

From:

azdak.livejournal.com

This is fanfic, there can be no never.

*iz filled with unholy glee*

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

The joke version is perhaps inevitable:

When Stirlitz was giving birth, he cried out in Russian. Afterwards, the midwife showed him the baby and asked what he was going to call it. Stirlitz said that he would call the baby Vladimir, in memory of the great hero of the Revolution.

It was the closest he had come to failure.

From:

alitheapipkin.livejournal.com

Ecclefechan is a town in Dumfries and Galloway. I've never been there but it's signposted from the main A road into Glasgow and the route we take to visit my folks down south and for some reason the name of it always amuses me :)

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

it is an excellent name. I know it must be the cake association, but it does sound sort of warming and cake-like.

From:

daegaer.livejournal.com

I . . . sort of want cannibalistic flower fairies now.

So, so traumatised by your 17 Moments note. Traumatised with LAUGHTER.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

The Song of the Nettle Dodder (https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=nettle+dodder&rlz=1C1CHFX_enGB505GB505&espv=2&biw=1567&bih=767&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=yQ00VODbNdjzau_9gLgI&ved=0CDkQsAQ) Fairy

O, children trampling unawares
Through Nettle's cruel and stinging leaves,
You may find comfort from your cares:
Revenge will come from one who weaves.

Thus while my seeking tendrils grow
And my shy flowers jewel the green
I wind about the stems below
To feed upon the sap unseen.

From:

daegaer.livejournal.com

Very cool!

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Thanks!

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

That is really surprisingly creepy for a Flower Fairies poem!

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Nature red in ... er ... root and sucker.

From:

tudorpot.livejournal.com

Loves this. I so wanted to comment on the oh so precious kink-shaming post, restrained myself by reading the various comments which were split between overweening attempts to "unpack" the post (shudders), support OP, direct and indirect allusions to 2013 fic which I gather totally ruined OP's life.

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

It was truly eye-rolling stuff.

From:

fallingtowers.livejournal.com

Oooh, link please?

Also, in a more seious vein, do you know where I could find links to Google doc spreadsheets with nominated fandoms and links to YT letters?

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

The original discussion is here (http://implicated2.dreamwidth.org/25538.html?thread=56002), though it also turned up on yuletide_coal. In fairness to the OP, she did get a bit more sense, though her final preferred re-wordings spectacularly miss the point that you can't word things in a way guaranteed not to upset others, given that she things "I absolutely don't want: X" is a nicer way of the traditional Yuletide "DNW" or "No: X" that couldn't upset anyone.

I have seen the spreadsheet, but I can't remember where! WIll try to remember and link.

From:

fallingtowers.livejournal.com

The original discussion is here.

Oh dear. I see a bit of a dilemma.

On the one hand, I understand that someone into the BDSM / kink scene might not happy about about a Yuletide letter, "please no bondage and spanking because that's only for gross losers LOL". It's probably harder to write a nice Yuletide gift for someone who inadvertently offended you.

But holy moly, this whole post could have been a lot briefer and less soul-searching (not to mention the comments). Though it wasn't as bad as it might have been. More earnestly naval-gazing and overly serious than the truly wanky kind.

What's wrong with just saying "if you want to exclude certain things from your YT gift, and do so politely, please state, 'I'm personally not into X/Y/Z and I wouldn't want to read about it in my fic.'" End of story. Everyone's happy. Well, mostly everyone, except for the people who will never be happy with anything.

And, as you said, you can never make 100% sure that you'll never ever offend anyone. In fact, this is just guaranteed to end up offending someone. (It's fandom. And Yuletide. Someone always gets upset - with or without good reason!)

The spreadsheet would be delightful. I'm considering - very, very vaguely - doing Pico with a YT treat if something should grab me.

From:

legionseagle (from livejournal.com)

I found this gem in the comments to that post:

I think "no" lists are most useful for naming things you don't want to receive that might otherwise seem to be in the spirit of your request.

For (a non-kinky) example, I have a really hard time reading fic where characters express their affection for each other using the phrase "I love you." In the past, I've requested canons where characters do have strong, intimate feelings for each other, and it seemed reasonable to expect that a writer might choose to have characters use that phrase if I didn't mention not wanting it. So I added the following line to my request letter: I enjoy characters expressing tenderness toward each other, but I would strongly prefer not to read them using the phrase "I love you" to do so.

And there, in a nutshell, you see the Platonic ideal of applied Yuletide batshittery of the highest order.

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

Because that's so much better for the writer than just saying "I'm not a fan of romance fic and much prefer gen."

From:

snorkackcatcher

But it did induce nostalgia for the glory(?) days of

metafandom.

From:

snorkackcatcher

Er, unknown LJ tag was meant to be "metafandom".

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

It did in me!

From:

adina-atl.livejournal.com

Measure for Measure

Author's note: Don't worry, dear recipient, I too find bad poetry triggering. I don't think I could do good Will's iambic pentameter justice, alas, so I chose another verse form.

***

My gentle reader
I so hope you will enjoy
eighty-eight haikus.

Our best belov'd duke
to Angelo hath giveth
Viennese command.

Dressed in friar's smock
He watches Angelo teach
frozen heart to love.

Or if it be not love
then burgeoning* manhood
and her clitoris.

***

* Remember that this has to be pronounced with all four Elizabethan syllables, burg-e-O-ning!

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

"Eighty-eight haikus":
Words cannot express how much
My heart sank at that.

Honestly, I think that if I got Measure for Measure in haikus on Christmas morning, I would fake my death of leprosy. This is brilliant. And the last one. Argh!

From:

adina-atl.livejournal.com

My work here is done!

I have never actually seen/watched Measure for Measure, so I didn't properly appreciate the full depth of your prompt until I read a summary of the play. To which summary I say WTF?!

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

It is not for nothing that M4M is a "problem play". I love it, but there is a significant degree of WTF going on.

The "canonical bloodplay", by the way, is as follows:

Th'impression of keen whips I'd wear as rubies,
And strip myself to death as to a bed
That longing have been sick for, ere I'd yield
My body up to shame

From:

adina-atl.livejournal.com

Wow. I'm going to have to put that on my to-read list. Because wow. Er, whose line is that?

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

That is Isabella to Angelo when he is doing a "hypothetically, if you could only save your brother's life through sex, how would you respond?"

(Also, I find the fact that you haven't read it and yet have produced the perfect antithesis particularly impressive!)

Edited Date: 2014-10-08 10:44 am (UTC)

From:

legionseagle (from livejournal.com)

Of course, no-one ever bothers warning for the canonical rape in Measure for Measure.

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

Of course not! It doesn't count when its a baddie.

I'd love to read the Angelo/Mariana marriage counselling fic.

'So Angelo, can you tell Mariana about how being raped by your ex-fiancee made you feel?'

From:

adina-atl.livejournal.com

I have read Shakespeare before. And more importantly I've read "Ahhhh, Shakespeare, the immortal bard, the soul of romance and tragedy!" before.

From:

antisoppist.livejournal.com

I saw it without having read it first. Then I had to go home and read it to check it wasn't just the fault of a deranged director.

My congratulations, particularly for the footnote.

From:

adina-atl.livejournal.com

Thank you. Especially for the footnote. I tried to think of the most...appropriate...way of saying "I didn't miscount syllables, I just forced the meter like dear old Will."

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Brilliant! I contemplated limericks but couldn't quite face it...

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

A plot by a Viennese Duke,
To give the townsfolk a rebuke
For loose living, went sour:
Corrupted by power,
Angelo ended up fu’ked.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

At the risk of sounding like Arthur Shappey, that is also Brilliant! I do like the contrast between form and content.

From:

adina-atl.livejournal.com

I can't do rhyming poetry, alas. But with the haikus I tried for that extra-special rhythm of a flat tire--tick, tick, tick, THUNK.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

Oh, gosh, now you've got me reading back through fandom history. File under People Are Strange...

In The Thick Of It, 1930s AU. Politics is politics any time, right? But I'd like the 1930s because I like the clothes. Any characters, in any combinations - just remember that no-one swore like that back then, so watch the language! Oh, and I've only seen Series 1. NO SPOILERS!

From:

daegaer.livejournal.com

Dearest Yuletide Author!

Gosh, I'd love a crossover of a Thick of It 1930's AU and McKellen's 1930's Richard III!!!11!!1! With Malcolm as Richard, natch, and all the swearing in blank Shakespearean verse. But please have lots of fuckitys. Or fuckities.

From:

sam-t.livejournal.com

That would be the sort of AU where Shakespeare got very drunk with Molière and rewrote his plays in alexandrines, then?

From:

daegaer.livejournal.com

This would be where I wish I could write poetry!

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

Fabulous! But do you mind if I also do a crossover with Third Reich RPF? I feel that would really get the most out of all of the canons.

From:

daegaer.livejournal.com

Oh, Dearest Author, it's beyond my wildest dreams! How did you know of my love for men dressed in Hugo Boss?????

From:

daegaer.livejournal.com

. . . wow, I think I just ruined my own Yuletide.

(But don't forget to include a quick 17 Moments cameo!!)

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

What the fuck to you mean by bringing me this piece of shit report, Stirlitz? I'd get a better analysis if I did a cockroach in ink and wiped it across the page. I don't give a fuck if it's factually correct, I can't show something like this to the Fuhrer, he'll have us both shot! Why don't you just write 'We haven't got a bomb, the Russians are going to annihiliate us and we'll be lucky if they keep us in big enough pieces to use for dogfood'? Because that's that's what he'll fucking read. Christ, why don't I just fucking bill Moscow fucking Centre for your salary?

From:

azdak.livejournal.com

I'd get a better analysis if I did a cockroach in ink and wiped it across the page

I'm sorry, I have to know - is "did" a typo for "dipped" OR NOT!

And please can I have the rest of this fic? I don't think Stirlitz has ever been so close to failure.

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

It was a typo for "dipped", but feel free to imagine other versions! Preferably ruder ones.

More is tempting, but will probably require me to watch more than 10 minutes of In the Thick of It in order to make sure I get the fucks in the right places. Which I do intend to do at some point. So much television, so little time!

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

A horse! My fucking kingdom for a fucking horse! For Christ's sake, I'm the fucking king, what do I have to do to get you bastards to pay some fucking attention!

From:

daegaer.livejournal.com

Ahahahaha!

From:

nineveh-uk.livejournal.com

Politics is politics. Personally, I think that the 1330s are much more interesting, so I'm going to write about them instead. Since Malcolm is Scottish, I'm going to set it there. You are absolutely right about language, so I'm going to write it in pastiche medieval Scot, hope that's OK!